Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
