god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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