Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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