____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
