Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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