My liver just broke up with me...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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