i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
