I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
