awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
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Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
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Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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