Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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