i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
