I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
