Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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