Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
