Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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