I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
