so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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