She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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