forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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