Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
