Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
