A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot