You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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