The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.