Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
This baby is an asshole
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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