I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
