i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
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Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
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Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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