I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There's a naked man in my car right now.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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