Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
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I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
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Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
soo... how was my night?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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