I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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