Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
