Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Your penis caused this!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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