I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Randomize
