um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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