i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
