the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
