Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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