I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
