Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
