i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
