This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
