Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
