Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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