I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I am never drinking with the goths again.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
