She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Are we still banned from the library?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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