I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
