Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
