Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
