ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
