I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
