what day is it and did you see me today?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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