And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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