he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
