once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
