She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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