Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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