My underwear smells like fireworks.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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