too bad you live with your parents still
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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