I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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