I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
